humor Share a Joke

[jdab]

Everyone likes a laugh, so share a joke with others in this thread!

I'll get the ball rolling...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

[kite26]

-What's up folk?
-Mixed news, 1 good and 1 bad.
-Really? Tell me!
-News.com and news.sucks

 

[deez007]

So During ThanksGiving, Obama gives Putin a call and invites to come over to the US for thanks- giving dinner with the Obama family.

Putin was happy to accept the invite and agreed to join the Obama's.

Obama then said to Putin "I'm glad to hear you will be joining us, are there any special meals or special requests that you would like?"

Putin replies "No no not at all, It's thanksgiving... all I want is Turkey on a platter!"

 

[Axc]

Got a new dog for my wife.I thought it was a good trade

 

[gareth1614]

Conjunctivitis.com

- There's a site for sore eyes.

 

[AndyM]

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "Hellooo from the other side"

 

[AndyM]

One from Scotland...

Two cows in a field. Which ones on holiday? The one with the wee calf. (week off)

 

[james haw]

Two cannibals are munching away on a dead clown.

One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

 

[james haw]

Two pieces of grey tarmac are having a pint at a bar, when a red piece of tarmac comes in.

The red tarmac bumps into one of the grey ones and nearly spills his pint. The grey tarmac angrily says: "HEY, watch it!".

The other grey tarmac nudges his friend and says:
"Careful what you say to him, he's a cyclepath..."

 

[Axc]

Reminds me of-

a packet of skittles,a mars bar and an oreo are at at bar
after a few beers,the oreo starts giving it large how hes the toughest treat in the place
next thing a packet of polos walk in and the oreo shuts up immidiately
"what were you saying" aks the mars bar
"i'm not messing with him! hes menthol"

 

[james haw]

And quite probably my fave of all time:


Mickey Mouse is with a marriage guidance counsellor telling him about his troubles.
The counsellor is confused, and ask:
"So let me get this right, you're divorcing Minnie because she's got crooked teeth?"

Mickey replied:
"No, she's f*cking Goofy"

 

[james haw]

Axc reminded me of another fave.

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. Sat there he hears:
"You're looking good today fine sir!".

He looks around but no-one to be seen. Only the bar tender, and a small tray of peanuts.
Again he hears:
"Lovely suit you're wearing sir!"

The man is puzzled as the voice seems to be coming from the nuts.

At that he spots the cigarette machine, he goes over and puts his money in, but nothing comes out. Then he hears:
"Get stuffed you ugly tit".

The man is again puzzled as it seems to come from the cigarette machine.
Then again the machine says:
"You're one miserable, ugly looking son of a B*tch!"


The man has had enough, and says to the bartender:
"What is going on"

To which the bartender replies:
"Ah, yes, sorry, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".

 

[Smarttrader]

 

[Andy Dexter]

My girlfriend keeps telling me to act my age. I don't know how. I have never been this old before.

 

[Branded Domains]

where are my domains????

 

[Axc]

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

 

[gemstar]

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are :p

 

[markossy]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[rf-harris]

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

 

[gareth1614]

In a press release Heinz have said "We will NEVER make a Bolognese variety of Alphabetti Spaghetti" - They don't mince their words.

 

[markossy]

A stork carrying a little old woman in beak:
The old man to the stork:
- Come on, admit that we have lost.