humor Share a Joke

[jdab]

Everyone likes a laugh, so share a joke with others in this thread!

I'll get the ball rolling...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

[AndyM]

One from Scotland...

Two cows in a field. Which ones on holiday? The one with the wee calf. (week off)

 

[james haw]

Two cannibals are munching away on a dead clown.

One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

 

[james haw]

Two pieces of grey tarmac are having a pint at a bar, when a red piece of tarmac comes in.

The red tarmac bumps into one of the grey ones and nearly spills his pint. The grey tarmac angrily says: "HEY, watch it!".

The other grey tarmac nudges his friend and says:
"Careful what you say to him, he's a cyclepath..."

 

[Axc]

Reminds me of-

a packet of skittles,a mars bar and an oreo are at at bar
after a few beers,the oreo starts giving it large how hes the toughest treat in the place
next thing a packet of polos walk in and the oreo shuts up immidiately
"what were you saying" aks the mars bar
"i'm not messing with him! hes menthol"

 

[james haw]

And quite probably my fave of all time:


Mickey Mouse is with a marriage guidance counsellor telling him about his troubles.
The counsellor is confused, and ask:
"So let me get this right, you're divorcing Minnie because she's got crooked teeth?"

Mickey replied:
"No, she's f*cking Goofy"

 

[james haw]

Axc reminded me of another fave.

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. Sat there he hears:
"You're looking good today fine sir!".

He looks around but no-one to be seen. Only the bar tender, and a small tray of peanuts.
Again he hears:
"Lovely suit you're wearing sir!"

The man is puzzled as the voice seems to be coming from the nuts.

At that he spots the cigarette machine, he goes over and puts his money in, but nothing comes out. Then he hears:
"Get stuffed you ugly tit".

The man is again puzzled as it seems to come from the cigarette machine.
Then again the machine says:
"You're one miserable, ugly looking son of a B*tch!"


The man has had enough, and says to the bartender:
"What is going on"

To which the bartender replies:
"Ah, yes, sorry, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".

 

[Smarttrader]

 

[Andy Dexter]

My girlfriend keeps telling me to act my age. I don't know how. I have never been this old before.

 

[Branded Domains]

where are my domains????

 

[Axc]

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

 

[gemstar]

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are :p

 

[markossy]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[rf-harris]

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

 

[gareth1614]

In a press release Heinz have said "We will NEVER make a Bolognese variety of Alphabetti Spaghetti" - They don't mince their words.

 

[markossy]

A stork carrying a little old woman in beak:
The old man to the stork:
- Come on, admit that we have lost.

 

[briguy]

Q: How do trees get on the Internet
A: They log in

 

[markossy]

Funeral of a cardiologist ...

All were heart-shaped: flowers, wreaths, grave, coffin. When to put the dead in the pit, a guy from the crowd starts to laugh out loud. The priest stops singing and asks:
- Well sir, now you found yourself laughing, just at the moment?
Guy replies:
- No offense but I thought about my own funeral, because I am a gynecologist

 

[briguy]

Love this joke also heard one more line added..

Funeral of a cardiologist ...

All were heart-shaped: flowers, wreaths, grave, coffin. When to put the dead in the pit, a guy from the crowd starts to laugh out loud. The priest stops singing and asks:
- Well sir, now you found yourself laughing, just at the moment?
Guy replies:
- No offense but I thought about my own funeral, because I am a gynecologist

And the proctologist fainted when he thought of his...


A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

 

[iowadawg]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

[Keith]

My girlfriend choked to death. It was a terrible blow...

 

[iowadawg]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[Keith]

At the end of the day you have to be able to trust women, otherwise they'll tell your wife!

 

[RogueWriter]

A joke that older people will get:

What song did Bob Hope sing after making love to Dolly Parton? "Thannnnks for the mammaries...."

 

[briguy]

Bob Hope and on that note.....
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. " (George Burns)

 

[iowadawg]

Bob Hope and George Burns...
Two very original funny guys from the old days!