humor Share a Joke

[jdab]

Everyone likes a laugh, so share a joke with others in this thread!

I'll get the ball rolling...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

[briguy]

Bob Hope and George Burns...
Two very original funny guys from the old days!

True,
Another classic George Burns one-liner.
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

 

[iowadawg]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

[iowadawg]

If you remember the song...this one will get it back into your head for the rest of the day....

 

[Domain Lead Finder]

Its not a joke but its funny, I was finishing off a sales pitch to a potential client and I wrote reTards instead of reGards and signed my name right under

 

[briguy]

Another oldie but goodie..

A horse goes into a bar
The bartender asks, "why such a long face?"

 

[ben pedri]

Two pretzels were walking down the street ,One was assaulted

 

[Vinod R]

A distraught husband is filing a report on his missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping and still has not reached home yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to the season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Pantsuit or dress...I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was she going in a car?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me the number, name and colour of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

And then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

 

[ben pedri]

Their is a lot of books on how to pick up chicks in a bar. No need to do that even if your shy,do what I did
I just sat in the corner of the bar and licked my eye brows

 

[ben pedri]

What do you call a blind dear............................No Idea

 

[iowadawg]

This girl in a Bikini stopped me to ask directions.
I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her tits,
don't stare at her tits."
Then she said, "Don't stare at whose tits?"

 

[iowadawg]

 

[iowadawg]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[briguy]

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Love that your daughter line!

 

[markossy]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful young woman sitting at the bar. After an hour, which has gathered all the necessary courage ultimately goes to her and says:

- Do you mind if we talk?

To this the young woman shouting loudly responds:

- No, I'll not sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar now turns his eyes towards the two. Naturally, the type is now overwhelmed by shame shy returns to his table. After a few minutes, the young woman approaches him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. You know, I am a student studying psychology and how people react in embarrassing situations.

The guy responds loudly:

- How much? $ 200 ?? !!

 

[iowadawg]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two
months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks
straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money
you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,
I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

 

[james haw]

A white horse walks into a bar.
Barman says "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you!"
The horse replies: "What, Eric?"

 

[james haw]

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food"

 

[james haw]

Two rabbits in a bar having a drink decide they're hungry, so they order some cheese toasties.

After eating them one rabbit declares he's still hungry and goes to order another, but finds the barman only has ham toasties. "Ok" the rabbit says. Shortly after eating the ham toasty the rabbit abruptly dies.

At the pearly gates, Peter asks: "So, what brings you up here? Did you get run over?"
"No" the rabbit replies "Mixing my toasties".

 

[affable]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 

[ZapNano]

Q: How do trees get on the Internet
A: They log in

How bout from roots

 

[affable]

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

 

[briguy]

How do you keep a idiot in suspense.....I will tell you later..

In a few more day...I promise.

One of my favorite insults.
"What sex position produces the ugliest kids?"
"Ask your mom"...

 

[iowadawg]

 

[Domainup]

Aliens are asking for visas to earth

 

[ZapNano]

Pay them with "Emen"