humor Share a Joke

[jdab]

Everyone likes a laugh, so share a joke with others in this thread!

I'll get the ball rolling...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

[iowadawg]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[affable]

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

 

[ZapNano]

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

U mean CowS-webs

 

[ZapNano]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

The boy is on mission

 

[affable]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


Yes, it's corny but I thought it was cool when I came across it.

 

[ZapNano]

One of Chinese old tradition was not to take shoes inside; a Chinese old man went on a vacation, he took a cab. The cab driver told the Chinese we are here; the Chinese man then asked the driver, what about my shoes? The cab driver replied, what about it?

 

[iowadawg]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to town for lunch. It was a quiet place. Two teenagers barged in the restaurant trying to act smart. They were supposed to be quite rich, as we saw them parking their red Mustang across the street.

They were so loud, that not only were they disturbing the other guests, but they also did not respect the new waitress. They were just bullying her about her knowledge of the menu. All the guests just watched. No one was interested in the waitress' self-respect.

We finished our lunch and tipped her well. I asked the sweet girl why she didn't report this to her manager. She said; "The problem is they are the friends of owner of this restaurant". We quietly left the place.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a power-hungry turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him an idiot.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we did not care. We came into town by bus.

We watched the tickets pile up on that brand new red Mustang.

I do not think I could do anything better than that for the sweet waitress. We have to teach these young rich brats a lesson. It's important at our age.

 

[markossy]

Two women are talking in the office ...
- I do not know what to do, I have a terrible neck pain.
- Ah, no problem, I recommend a safe remedy. Whenever it hurts my neck, I do oral sex with my husband and the next day I got nothing.
-Seriously?
-Yes.
Next day at the office ... sick woman appears very smiling ...
-Well, how are you feeling?
-Extraordinary ... You were right, your recommended remedy works perfectly ... but your husband could not believe it was your idea ..

 

[iowadawg]

 

[iowadawg]

One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy finally makes his first hole-in-one.

Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.

The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."

The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer."

"Done" says the leprechaun.

By the 14th hole Murphy can tell something is happening.
By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.
By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.
By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.
By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.

After completing his round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.

He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.

The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun back.

The Irishman takes two buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting.

After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.

The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.

The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."

The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me legs a wee bit longer."

 

[briguy]

Going to share a little about myself..
Did you know that I am so bright that my dad calls me "Son"...
But do find it very ironic when my mom calls me "son-of-a-b1tch"

 

[adsorbable]

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing. They're both stuck up b*tches.

 

[iowadawg]

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, ‘Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, ‘Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Betty, Betty.’

‘Who is it’, asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Betty — it’s me, Bertha.’

‘You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,’ insisted the voice.

‘Bertha! Where are you?’

‘In heaven,’ replied Bertha. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Betty.

‘The good news,’ Bertha said, ‘is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Betty. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’

 

[vickyhunter]

A Guy Walking Down The Street Suddenly He Sees A Woman With Big & Perfect Breasts. Guy Goes To The Woman.

Guy: “Hey Miss, Would You Let Me Bite Your Breasts For 100 bucks?”

Woman Replies: “Are You Nuts? After Saying This She Keeps Walking Away.”

Guy Runs To Her & Says Again: “Would You Let Me Bite Your Breasts For 1000 bucks?”

Woman With Anger: “Listen You, I’m Not That Kind Of Woman! Got It?”

The Guys Still Standing There & Woman Start Walking, She Just Gone Few Yards Away From That Boy.

She Thinks About It For A While And Says: “Hmmm, $1000 Dollars, Eh? Ok, Just Once, But Not Here. Let’s Go To That Dark Alley Over There.”

So They Go Into The Alley, Where She Takes Off Her Blouse & The Boy Starts Kissing, Licking, Puts His Face In Them, Pressing Them Hard For 10 Minutes, But Not Biting Them.

The Woman Finally Gets Annoyed And Asks: “Well? Are You Gonna Bite Them Or Not?”

Guy Replies: “Nahhh….. That Costs Too Much.“

 

[markossy]

The Wolf catches Red Riding Hood and rape her .... 'after'.... Red Riding Hood threatens:

- I'll go to the police and I'll say that you raped me wildly, four times! ...

Wolf, stunned:

- What do you mean 'four times'?!? ...

- Well, you hurry somewhere?!? ...

 

[briguy]

Where Is My Rolex
A billionaire parked his brand-new Rolls Royce in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Rolls, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the billionaire.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
https://www.facebook.com/notes/brian-mc/where-is-my-rolex/203173399705057

 

[briguy]

via Pinterest Short Jokes

 

[briguy]

kinda of a kid joke but..
"Q: What did the spider do on the computer? A: Made a website!"
Short Jokes

 

[DNScholar]

 

[briguy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Best Short Jokes

 

[fatter]

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?



Because if he lifted the other one up he would fall down

 

[fatter]

A preacher a priest and a Lawyer die and meet st Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter takes them to there new homes, first the Priest to a rundown old shack, then the Preacher to a rundown old shack, then the Lawyer to a gigantic mansion on a hill. The Lawyer asks st peter why did they get shacks and I got a beautiful mansion. St peter responded, we have plenty of Priests and preachers up here but your our first Lawyer.

 

[fatter]

A recent study has found that women who have put on a few extra pounds live longer than the Men who mention it.

 

[The Durfer]

two women, a blonde and a brunette, are so sad they jump off of a cliff together, the blonde stops halfway down and ask for directions. lol.

 

[fatter]

I am Italian so I tell Italian jokes, hope no one gets offended

2 Italians guido and tony,want to migrate to America but don't have enough money for the boat ride, so guido says to Tony I have a great idea, we can wait till dark and I will shine a flashlight and you can walk across on the beam to America. Tony says, you must really think I am stupid I will get half way and you will turn out the light.