I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years.
Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though-Micky, my potential initiator, had been just a little too eager for me to go through with that. Said he could do it blindfolded, but he was shaking like a faulty engine when he said it. Maybe he was just cold; we were standing in a meat freezer in the back of the deli where he worked, and it couldnโt have been more than twenty degrees in there. But he didnโt look like he was shaking from the cold. Looked more like he was sweating, his face shiny and tight. He had pulled out the needle and the tubing, and Iโd looked at him standing there, surrounded by big slabs of salami and roast beef, and right then an image popped into my head of an air bubble, shiny and round like a pearl, rolling quietly through a vein and stopping my heartโฆ.
Junkie. Pothead. Thatโs where Iโd been headed: the final, fatal role of the young would-be black man. Except the highs hadnโt been about that, me trying to prove what a down brother I was. Not by then, anyway.
I got high for just the opposite effect, something that could push questions of who I was out of my mind, something that could flatten out the landscape of my heart, blur the edges of my memory. I had discovered that it didnโt make any difference whether you
smoked reefer in the white classmateโs sparkling new van, or in the dorm room of some brother youโd met down at the gym, or on the beach with a couple of Hawaiian kids who had dropped out of school and now spent most of their time looking for an excuse to brawl. Nobody asked you whether your father was a fat-cat executive who cheated on his wife or some laid-off joe who slapped you around whenever he bothered to come home. You might just be bored, or alone. Everybody was welcome into the club of disaffection. And if the high didnโt solve whatever it was that was getting you down, it could at least help you laugh at the worldโs ongoing folly and see through all the hypocrisy and bullshit and cheap moralism.
Sincerely
Barack Obama
Dreams From My Father
In his own voice
