Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

[dgridley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[DavidH]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'



'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.



They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'



'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.



'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'



'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'



'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'



Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'



'She just died and left me everything.'

 

[Michelle]

Man says to his pal

"Do you know what .. ever since it started snowing my wife has done nothing but look through the window..... If it gets any heavier I will have to let her in" ...

 

[feablanc]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[DavidH]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter -- usually late November to mid-December.



Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.



Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, have to be female.



We should've known it all along: only women would be able to drag a broad beamed man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night without having to stop and ask for directions.



---------



Love this recipe.............



Christmas Cake Recipe



Ingredients :



2 cups flour



4 oz butter



1 cup water



1 tsp baking powder



1 cup white sugar



1 tsp salt



1 cup brown sugar



juice of 1 lemon



4 large eggs



Nuts



2 bottles wine



2 cups dried fruit



Method:



1 Uncork the wine and sample to check quality.



2 Take a large bowl.



3 Pour out one level cup of wine and drink, to ensure

that it is of the required quality. Repeat.



4 Plug in food-mixer and turn on. Beat one cup of

butter in the large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar.

Beat again.



5 At thus point, it is recommended to taste the wine

again to make sure it is at the correct temperature.

Try another cup just in case.



6 Turn off the mixer thingy. Break two eggs and add to

bowl. Chuck in two cups dried fruit.



7 Pick the frigging fruit up from the floor. Mix on

the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the

beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.



8 Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift

two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine.



9 Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add

one table. Add a sugar spoon, or somefink. Whatever

you can find.



10 Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360° and try not

to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally throw the bowl through the window.



11 Finish the wine and wipe worktop with cat.



12 Go to Tesco and buy cake.



Bingle Jells !


Merry Christmas everyone!

 

[DavidH]

Allegedly actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24. He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Has a high opinion of himself due to the low standards he sets.
34. His staff will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity

 

[DavidH]

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer".

***



A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts
into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into
the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disneyland!!!"



***



Steve was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.. She told him 'Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0
to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Steve got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure
enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Steve has been missing since Friday.

 

[DavidH]

APHORISM=A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.



2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail..



3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have

any sense at all.



4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.



5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.



6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the

dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?



7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how

many people a company can operate without.



8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone

else looks?



9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.



10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.



11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.



12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. -



Like this: It could be a right number.



13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.



14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.



15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it..



16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.



17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies

running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!



18. Money can't buy happiness -- but it's more comfortable to cry in a

Corvette than in a Yugo.



19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

 

[Peetr]

I don’t have time to read umpteen pages of jokes but I thought I’d make a contribution. Hope this hasn’t been posted here already.

--

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

 

[DavidH]

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Would you get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, " Would you get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him.

He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started."

 

[DavidH]

Thoughts for a High Stress Day

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.
6. Allow me to introduce my selves.
7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
9. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
10. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
12. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
14. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
18. Earth is full. Go home.
19. Is it time for your medication or mine?
20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

[aditd]

Things That You Will Never Hear A Woman Say To A Man


"I think that shirt with the holes in the armpits is so sexy!"


"I just love hairy butts."


"Once again you are right and I am wrong."


"I don't think you swear enough."


"I think that diamond is too big."


"I am going to the store do you want beer in bottles or cans?"


"We don't have sex enough."

"Do these pants make my butt look to thin?"

Actually some are possible lik:
We don't have sex enough - but not to often.

 

[scept1c]

I expected another ending of the story about Keith and John

 

[DavidH]

Women Who Know Their Place

Television journalist Barbara Walters, of the programme 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

 

[mwzd]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enoughfor me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying,'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis braceletwhen she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is alldear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enoughfor me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Kenny]

^^^ Now thats funny ^^^​

 

[GrowStats]

^woah, the last joke about talking nasty got me revved for a bit..
Here's my joke:


The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[briguy]

lol that cute!

Heard a great definition of procrastination...
maybe I post it tomorrow.

 

[briguy]

Just had to share this one (orginally posted in another thread
http://www.namepros.com/761952-du-johname-and-friends-shoot-sh-45.html#post4373091)

The doctor asked Bubba "how did you get shot in the butt?"
Bubba says "well my cousin and I were sitting around drinking when Cletus says who wants to go hunting?"
"I stood up and said I am game!"
:lol:

 

[princysharma1990]

GHOST RIDDLES

Ques: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
Ans : I scream. (Ice cream)

Ques: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
Ans : At the ghost office. (Post office)

Ques: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
Ans : Ghostcards. (Post cards)

Ques: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Ans : Hello, hello, hello.

Ques: What is the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
Ans : One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.

 

[DU]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said,

"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[PNW]

@ DU: Nice student joke on FB


Email forward: 27 Reasons the Chicken Crossed the Road

#1 ..
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

#2 ...
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

#3 ...
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

#4 ...
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

#5 ...
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

#6 ...
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

#7 ...
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

#8 ...
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

#9 ...
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

#10 ...
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

#11 ...
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

#12 ...
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

#13 ...
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

#14 ...
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN : We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

#15 ...
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

#16 ...
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

#17 ...
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

#18 ...
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

#19 ...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

#20 ...
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

#21 ...
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

#22 ...
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

#23 ...
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

#24 ...
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

#25 ...
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

#26 ...
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

#27 ...
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[DU]

/\ thank god some of those people aren't that relevant anymore =)

I also found this one amusing:

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.”No, I’m travelling light.”

 

[johname]

A neutron wanted to change their namepros' ID

He asked Eric. "How much nps$ will that be?"

"For you?" said Eric "No charge."

 

[briguy]

My nephew's joke he just told me..

What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"

It's raining cats and dogs.

 

[techgal128]

Q: Why did the bubblegum cross the road?

A: It was stuck to the chicken.