Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

[dgridley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[DavidH]

One day the zookeeper noticed that the chimpanzee was reading two books-- the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the chimp, "Why are you reading both of those books?" "Well," said the chimp, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

***

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?"

"Oh, nothing fancy like that," grinned the convict.

"I just killed a couple of priests."

***

Two accountants died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.

You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as accountants. What'll it be?"

The first accountant says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first man.

The second accountant mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second one, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second man disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two accountants. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota

 

[ComKid]

A religious man, fishing out at sea alone, finds his vessel taking on water from a crack in the bottom of the boat. He realizes there is nothing he can do keep the water from coming in and has to finally bail out and let his boat sink.

After a day afloat out at sea..... a ship, captain and crew stumble upon the man and plea with the man to grab a rope to be pulled in. The man exclaims "I'm ok! Do not worry. God will save me!" and he throws the rope back to the Captain. The ship sails away into the horizon.

The next day, another ship comes along and the man does the same thing, shrugging them off and refusing to be picked up.

The following day this happens again and the man insists to the men on board "No worries......God will come and protect me from harm".

Sadly, soon after the man drowns. His soul finds refuge at the Pearly gates of heaven when he notices someone approaching.

He realizes soon that it is God. The man arguably confronts God and asks "Why did you not help me when I needed you to help me God?"

God looks at the man and says "I don't know what you mean".

......"I sent you three ships!!"

 

[DavidH]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied....

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother... He's four... We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do none of those."

******

Higher Security Levels introduced

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level .

******

An Aussie and an Emu ......

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

*****

Some useful laws ....

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[barefoottech]

A quiet little man, Fred, after 50 years of motoring finally buys the car of his dreams; A classic 'T' model ford coupe.

Driving through the country side the very next day, he runs out of gas.

A short time later a friend, Max, drives up in his Red Ferrari GT

Having no spare gas, Max offers to tow the "T" model ford into the next town.

About 10 minutes down the road, the loadest, pimped out toyota drifter flies past, beeping on its little toy horn.

Right away Max in his usual compensating for below average genital size and ego driven road rage, "I will not let any little JapCrapmobile pass my Car" Plants his foot and takes chase. Terrified Fred is shitting bricks sitting in his "T" Coupe being towed down the road at over 120mph. He starts Beeping his Klaxon horn trying to attract the attention of his friend Max.

The chase is on!. The local Highway Patrol officer nearly chokes on his Do-nut when the cars fly past him. He grabs his radio mike spilling his coffee into his lap in the process. "Car 54 to Base, car 54 to base, you are not going to believe this. I have some juvenile perp driving a toyota drifter being chased by some Idiot in a ferrari at over 120MPH. But the strangest thing is some OLD FART in a 1913 Model "T" Ford is tailgating the Ferrari and is Honking his horn wanting to pass the 2 other cars.

 

[BrandonG]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

I lol'd

Another forward:

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination,the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was in season.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species..

So theZoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss ER.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo manager quickly agreed and asked what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham,



'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. '

I lol'd even harder!!! lololol

 

[DavidH]

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him £5000 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man £10000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man £20000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

 

[ComKid]

Not sure if this fits quite well in the joke thread, but I found a few to be funny. Another forward received this morning:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12.. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

lol. :tu: Love the snippets! There used to be a HBO show dedicated to new found words like these back in the early 80's. Right around the time Fraggle Rock was a big hit.

---------- Post added at 01:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:49 PM ----------



Just found this one.

"I can't eat Japanese anymore......

:blink:

......the cameras get caught in my throat." :lol:

Boooya!

---------- Post added at 01:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:53 PM ----------

There's no point in arguing with Prison Barbie because she'll just stick you with a bright pink shiv.

 

[ledbeauty]

Good thread! I got one.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[mwzd]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and
it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a
red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man." Why does it cost so
much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in
the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the
old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll
stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly,
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man
asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to
250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the
moped! Amazed that moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more
gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old
guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to
320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him
again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is
STILL ALIVE!!!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there
anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath ... "Unhook ... my ...
suspenders ... from ... your ... side-view mirror."

 

[sebastian66]

All jokes are good one i enjoyed a lot while reading the jokes and burst out into laugh.

 

[DavidH]

Three lunatics

1st one says : I am God's messenger.

2nd one contradicts : NO ! you're not. I am God's messenger.

3rd one states : You are both mad , I did not send any messengers.

 

[DavidH]

Love Birds

Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove.

He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes.

After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The crows continue on.

A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes.

A few minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"

The crows continue on.

A little later the third one sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes.

After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"

 

[DavidH]

It was Entertainment Night at the Old Folks home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:

‘I’m here to put you all into a trance – I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

As the polished metal gleamed in the light, Claude the hypnotist said:

‘I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch…

It’s a very special watch…

It’s been in my family for six generations’.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

‘Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…’

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

‘SH*T!’ said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home…

 

[DavidH]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:

'9.'

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:

'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:

'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:

'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:

'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:

'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,


'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

 

[DavidH]

A carnival, which included a huckster with an elephant, was travelling through a small town. The huckster was offering people $100 if they could make the elephant nod its head up and down. Many people tried, but
no one was successful. Finally, a small quiet individual appeared and timidly asked if he could try.

He promptly walked around the elephant and gave it a good swift kick in the backside. The elephant was so surprised, it jerked its head up and down. The little man pocketed his $100 and walked away.

The following year, the same carnival returned, with the same huckster and the same elephant. The huckster had decided to make sure he wouldn't lose any more money in this town, so he offered $500 to anyone who could
make the elephant nod its head up and down, then shake it from side to side.

Again, many people tried. They pulled the elephant's ears, pulled its tail, tickled it, etc., but no one was successful. Finally, the same little man appeared and asked if he could try. The huckster was so sure the deed was impossible that he readily agreed.

The little man walked around to the front of the elephant and looked it in the eye.

"Do you remember me?" he asked. The elephant vigorously nodded its head up and down.

"Do you want me to do that again?" he asked. The elephant quickly shook its head from side to side.

The little man pocketed his $500 and walked away, smiling.

 

[DavidH]

A man went to the doctor with hearing problems.



"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.



"Yes", he replied, "Homer is a fat yellow lazy b@stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

 

[DavidH]

Classified Ads which were Actually Placed in a UK Newspaper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old.

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE..

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,

45 volumes.

Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer..

No longer needed; got married last month.

Wife knows f#%#%#g everything

***

Insults

She’s becoming an emergency room nurse because shes better off wearing a mask.

He’s always sincere, whether he means it or not.

He took her for better or worse and she just took him for everything.

For their fifth anniversary she gave him a set of luggage-packed.

She isn’t drinking any more. She isn’t drinking any less, either.

When he donates blood, there's so much alcohol in it the Red Cross uses it to sterilise the instruments.

She has unusual luggage. She©ˆs the only person I know whose pill case has wheels.

***

Marriage made in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of
it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

 

[Kate]

Good stuff ^^ :D

 

[evelingomz]

I have two more jokes :
1)
One day Ant And Elephant went for swimming.After swimming for one hour the elephant cane out.But the Ant didn't come out. WHY?
Because the Ant had not worn a Swimming Costume

2)
ant and elephant decide to play hide and seek...
ant goes out to hide and elephants comes to seek.
ant runs into the temple to hide,and elephant comes to know...how??
Ants slippers r left outside

 

[dgridley]

15,232 views of this thread.. all people in search of a laugh.. now that's funny in itself

 

[in thename]

Dave in Carthage you are HILARIOUS! Please tell me these are your jokes! You should go on the road, write a book or something. You have added plenty of joy on this Thanksgiving day! Happy Thanksgiving to you and please keep the funny coming!

 

[DavidH]

A hard up fellow who worked as a paralegal in a law office was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like
this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and
no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin,
bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

 

[theo]

This tread is mach better then many websites with jokes :D

---------- Post added at 08:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:42 PM ----------

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[brenna55]

Hahahaha, nice jokes. I like the first joke. Thanks all of you for sharing.

 

[DavidH]

Sinners

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.

"Hey, mister," Peter said, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."

"Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one."

"No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work."

"If you don't buy my baseball," Peter said, "I'll tell my dad where you are."

"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "I'll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?"

"Fifty dollars."

The man didn't want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?"

The lover didn't even bother arguing: "How much?"

"A hundred dollars!" The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother's lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

The voice groaned, "Not you again!"