Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

[dgridley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[DavidH]

A few good Senior Moments

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[DavidH]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother.

..he's a clueless idiot.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name.

I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

 

[DavidH]

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False. A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: It sure does seem that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he is attractive, is it o.k. to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough?'
A. George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

[DavidH]

My trip to Menards

Yesterday I was at MENARDS buying a bag of Purina dog chow for TAXI, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Menards won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Abideen]

wow nice joke :lol:

 

[mwzd]

Clients From Hell

We've all had them, classic courtesy of fish

Enjoy!

 

[dgridley]

This thread is always good for a laugh! Thanks!

 

[DavidH]

A Greek man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Greece on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Greek man handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Greek man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Greek man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Greek man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07 in full. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000 when you are a millionaire?" The Greek man replied, "Malaka, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

 

[DavidH]

Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Brigade usually uses water.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit - wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Worrying works. 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Sure, I’ll believe it when - oink flap oink flap - well I’ll be damned!

Marriage is grand, divorce, a hundred grand.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight-hour wait to go home is a bitch.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

 

[DavidH]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.





At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go



back to earth and be anyone you wish to be





The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"





And *poof* she's gone.





The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.





The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."





St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask





"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.





St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."





The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.

Peter.





St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing He hands it back to her and says.





"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 

[Electric-Shadow]

I came across these on one of the gaming forums I browse, these are actuall statements in courts by attorneys or witnesses. i've picked out the best ones

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

---------------------------------

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

---------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

-----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

-------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

-------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 

[DavidH]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'



'How much do you charge?'



'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.



'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.



'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?'

he asked.



'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'



'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'



'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!



AVOID PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

 

[globegenius]

posted with written permission from jerryking jerryking (dot) com

 

[DavidH]

Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

***

Repenting at Leisure

A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.”



***

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[leonardwilliamson]

Love Women

The Man says, “Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he’s gay.”

Joe says, “Man that’s terrible,” and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar… He walks in and says, “Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?”

Joe says, “Well hell, what’s the matter this time?”

The man says, “Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE’S gay.”

Joe says, “Man, that’s a damn shame,” and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.

Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, “Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!”

Joe says, “Geez, doesn’t anyone in your family love women?”

The man says, “Yeah, I just found out my wife does…” :lol:

 

[DavidH]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.

They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world
exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful.

There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon.

After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.

After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback.

"Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

 

[leonardwilliamson]

Who is deaf?????

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” :hehe:

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
;

;

;

;

;

“James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!”

 

[DavidH]

True Believer

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, OI am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

 

[fm1234]

A doctor sees a female patient who is complaining of a persistent rash. She removes her shirt and
the doctor is suprised to see a very distinct "M" shape across the young woman's breasts and upper
ribs.

"My boyfriend goes to MIT," says the woman. "They just got these new shirts and he won't take it
off, even when we make love. I think there's something in the ink that I'm allergic to."

It doesn't seem major, so the doctor prescribes the woman some lotion and tells her to take it easy
for a few days.

Within a couple of days, another woman comes in complaining of the same thing. When the doctor
sees the rash, he all but smirks and asks if she happens to be dating someone at MIT. Sheepishly,
the girl admits that she had a one-night stand with a physics major and woke up with the rash. She
is relieved in the extreme to find out it isn't some kind of fancy Ivy Leauge VD and she and the doctor
have a good laugh.

A few days after that, a third woman comes to see the doctor, also complaining of a rash. She
removes her shirt to reveal the telltale "M" on her chest, and the doctor chuckles and says, "Wow,
those MIT boys sure get around, don't they?"


Nonplused, the girl says "Um ... I don't think I know anybody that goes to MIT. Anyway, my girlfriend
goes to Wellesley, and they just got these new shirts ..."

 

[mwzd]

Here are a few for the ladies:

-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

----------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

----------------------------------------------

 

[DavidH]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with

grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.



2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,

will roll to the least accessible corner.



3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly

proportional to the stupidity of your act



4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never

get a busy signal and someone always answers.



5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work

because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have

a flat tire.



6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one

you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now

(works every time).



7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,

the telephone rings.



8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know

increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to

be seen with.



9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine

won't work, it will.



10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely

proportional to the reach.



11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people

whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They

are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food,

beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance

or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never

move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the

bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very

surly folk.



12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,

your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the

coffee is cold.



13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a

locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly

sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated

to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.



15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know

what you are talking about.



16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.



17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.



18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find

a product that you really like, they will stop making it.



19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go

to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But

don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.



---------







-->Most teenage girls in Australia think middle-aged men are sexy.

The bad news is they think middle age is 25.



-->To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss

walk in.



-->Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for

centuries" have a use by date?



-->The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.



-->A dialect becomes a language when its speakers get an army and navy.



-->I’m adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to

tell me. But why every day?



-->Who coined the phrase 'coined the phrase'?



--> A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An

environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.



-->I had to take a drug test last week and it came back negative. Which

means my dealer has got some explaining to do.





-->A man who was sacked from the dodgems is taking his employers to

court. He is claiming funfair dismissal. (You can’t have high class

material all the time.)

 

[firefly]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

 

[firefly]

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

 

[leonardwilliamson]

A Woman’s Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I’ll just beat him to death.

-------------------

Boy & Girl In Restaurant

Boy: Do you love me?
Girl: No
Boy:Think again
Girl: Nope
Boy: Waiter…give bills separately
Girl: I was joking… I love you a lot

 

[ComKid]

What came first......The chicken or the egg?

The chicken! Eggs can't have sex.