Tire Kickers? Anyone?

[Keral_Patel]

Here is an incident that I thought was quite funny.

There is a guy who wanted to buy one of my scripts and usually I do spot tire-kickers I was keened on improving my customer support and pre-purchase support for all my products.

He went on asking questions after questions. Same ones would repeat every 4th or 5th email then he would get lost in his own list of questions and I would have to say that I have already answered that.

In end today morning I got pissed off and thought lets finish this up and sent him this email.

I think when I say it is same script that is on demo website then that means it is the same script. Same template, same admin panel and same version with same color and same logo.

I am sorry but this conversation is over. I would rather do other stuff and make easy 500 then answering all this questions.

Thanks.

To which he replied.

Why are you saying that now? I am not wasting your time if that what it seems. I only asked what all does the script have. That's all. Is that a bothering question? I did and still do want to buy it soon for the special price given. You do not need to push away questions asked.

I was not trying to ask 1000 questions. If you can answer this, you won't hear back until I have the money for the script. Can you just tell me exactly what a script does in general? That's all I ask.

Now he claims he doesn't even have money to buy it when he haggled a lot for a special price for himself.

Therefore I sent my last email that I hope will tell him exactly what this script does

Okay sorry for that last email. I will try and explain it in details over here.

Generally I don't answer lots of questions before a purchase because it is just a total waste of my time. But as you have already asked many questions and I have replied to those questions I will try and explain it in details below.

The script we are talking about here, in general does nothing.

Thing is that the script doesn't works at all.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't it is just like a russian roulette.

Sometimes it is like chess and sometimes it is like playing ice hockey.

Last year around winter my cat got lost and I tried very hard so that I can get back my long lost cat. Then suddenly this script gave me a hint and I digged further deep and guess what. I found my cat in the end.

You can imagine what a combination of CSS and HTTP can do. It can do wonders. Our technology takes the best aspects of Apache and PHP in order to curb this nano-compelling data hygiene stuff.

We apply the proverb "A barking dog never bites" not only to our ultra-power shifts but our power to engage. Without meticulously-planned subscriber-defined, long-term web services, web-readiness are forced to become open-source. Which we haven't done yet.

So in short you would be wondering What does the term "re-sizing" really mean?

Let me explain it in details.

We are industry leader of compelling aggregation. Without CAD, you will lack interfaces. Without well-chosen social networks, networks are forced to become 60/24/7/365. Do you have a plan of action to become best-of-breed? The bandwidth factor can be summed up in one word: mission-critical. We usually brand 24/7 markets. That is a remarkable achievement considering this fiduciary term's market! We will deploy the aptitude of portals to streamline. We pride ourselves not only on our feature set, but our non-complex administration and easy operation. Our feature set is unparalleled in the industry, but our 60/24/7/365 value-added, virtual CAE and user-proof operation is frequently considered a remarkable achievement.

The ability to incubate intuitively leads to the capability to matrix dynamically. The applications factor is six-sigma or you can call it four-sigma if you like. We believe "All that glitters is not gold" not only to our ROI metrics but our power to scale. Our B2C feature set is unparalleled in the industry, but our frictionless TQM and easy use is invariably considered an amazing achievement.

We will grow our capacity to transition without depreciating our capability to incubate. We will seize the capability of leading-edge co-branded M&A to reinvent. We will revolutionize the aptitude of mega-leading-edge deliverables to orchestrate. We will innovate the power of micro-customer-defined, holistic e-businesses to drive. Think cross-media. We pride ourselves not only on our plug-and-play feature set, but our non-complex administration and user-proof use. Think mega-ultra-virally-distributed.

In end I would just like to say that we have proven and we know that if you e-enable magnetically then you may also synergize perfectly. We think we know that if you reinvent interactively then you may also transition dynamically. We think that most virtual web-based applications use far too much Python, and not enough Dynamic HTML. If you enhance seamlessly, you may have to redefine seamlessly.

Thanks a lot.

I hope it addresses your concerns about the script finally.

It may seem terrific, but it's true!

Keral. Patel.

 

[Kenny]

See, now thats funny =))

Peace,
Cy

 

[.NJ]

Nice

 

[buyselldoms]

I am curious what the questions he asked were. Are these all summarized in your replies you posted here or were there more?

 

[Keral_Patel]

There were 100 questions before this one.

This went on for 1 month or so.

I will put up a brief history of all his questions

 

[verbster]

Well done! That is truly a classic answer.

 

[Keral_Patel]

Here is how it went from bad to worse.

30th May 2014 - Initial inquiry.

I was wondering if the item found on http://www.xxxxxxxxx.xxxxx has everything needed to fully design and run a site from the ground up? In other words, will this site give you a functional website from the software or are there other things you must buy to complete your website?

Write back and let me know at your earliest convenience

Will be skipping lots of BS here and there but the story goes on where he keeps on asking that Am I sure that it will be enough and he won't have to buy anything at all. etc.

I have been selling turnkey scripts from last 11 years and have sold more then 1500 copies of the script so when he kept on asking me again and again I told him that if he wants to buy it then he can otherwise I am not interested in this chat any longer.

He again comes back after 3 or so days and says he was sorry but can I please just answer that 1 question that will it be the only thing or not. [And I know committing to something does creates issues with paypal chargebacks] so I said that Yes it will work exactly as it is in the demo and anything custom that he himself comes up with has to be done by him or some other programmer. Also to be 100% sure I told him that he will need a hosting and a domain name too. [I have seen people buying the script and then filing a chargeback as they didn't knew that it also requires a domain name and a hosting]

So he asks me about hosting and domain stuff. I pointed him to godaddy and told him that he can get something from there.

Now he asks me what if he wants so and so feature in the script.

To which I replied that any custom feature is additional and I am not going to make any custom feature in this price.

He says what if he paid me extra.

I said depends on what the feature is. He then goes on explaining the features.

I said I could do it but I am not committing to it. If you want to buy the turnkey script then go ahead press that paypal button and its done. For extra features you can contact me again and if I am free to do it then I might do it. Or else can be done by other programmer.

He agrees to this and then says he will contact me in a day or two.

Now he comes back and asks me what if he wants to use it on multiple sites.

So I told him to re-read the sales page and told him that it is license for 1 domain only.

He whines and cries and tells me that he wants a multi domain license. Can I give him a discount etc.

So I agreed at 2.5 times the price for a multi domain licence.

He says alright I will get back in a day or two with the money.

Again comes back and asks that is that multi domain license offer still available?

I said Yes forever it is available.

He says okay thank you and goes on explaining me how happy he is and how he is gonna be the king of the internet with this turnkey script

I said to him that it doesn't matters to me if he makes 1 million or 10 million all I care about is the money that I get from selling that copy.

He then goes on what if I try to sue him later on when he is a multi-millionaire

So I explained him that I have already sold 1500 copies and none of them are millionaires right now :D If you want to buy it then buy it or else get lost.

He says can I give him in writing that I won't sue him?

I said yes I can give it in writing after he purchases it.

He says okay I will get back to you in a day or two. Money is just being arranged.

5 days later he comes back again and asks me to explain him what this script does in general

That is when I sent that above email to him.

Funny thing is after sending him that email today morning I got another email from him

I don't know what your last message it saying, something it works, sometimes no, or it does nothing.

I don't get it. It would have to work when paid for and this don't make much sense.

You almost make it sound like a gamble, meaning I could buy it and it not even build a site. It would have to when that's why it was purchased. If I'm misunderstanding something, point it out.

I am not trying to waste your time, but if I'm gonna pay for something I will be concerned it works as described at least.

I did want yours because you said it will create unlimited sites, but then you mention something like it may not work at all.

I was only trying to ask you to explain what a script is and how it functions. Just a basic question is all that was. If it was too much for you then excuse me for asking, but if you're now saying there's a chance I could pay and it not work as described, then I wouldn't pay. I want to buy it if it does work as described, but when you said it's like a gamble, it gave me a concern there. Write back and let me know how it exactly works.

Regards

John

Now I am again preparing a better reply then the last one :D

 

[Keral_Patel]

Just sent him this one :D


Hello John,

How are you bro. Wassup?

I am sorry for last night when I got pissed off at you for not paying for my drinks. I am really sorry for it.

The good news is that I have a customer now for that lousy script and he is eager to pay us some cash

He was asking lots of questions but I have somehow convinced him that this script will benefit him. So he is willing to pay the money now.

Funny thing is that his name is also John. What a co-incidence that is.

Anyway bro. Tonight I am going to that strippers house. So if my wife calls up then please tell her that I am with you and working late in the office.

If she says she wants to talk to me then make some excuse that I am in bathroom right now or something. Just handle it this time it is very important for me. I will surely buy you a drink next time.

When this script is sold to that fool I will extort more money by asking him to pay up for other services. He doesn't knows what he is in for.

Once again I am sorry bro for all the troubles that I have caused you in last 6 months or so. I will pay back all the money that you have lended to me for my booze and my girlfriend habits.

Something divine is happening right now in my life and finally I do have a customer for that script. If not more then I am atleast hoping I might be able to get 50,000 USD out of him.

Ah and one more thing. If you could lend me another 50 for tonight then it would be awesome. I need to buy some flowers and some drinks when I go to that strippers house. She is not going to charge me anything she has promised me. I surely feel that she is in love with me and I am in love with her.

Once this script is sold I will make it up to you and that stripper girl. I promise.

Thanks a lot bro.

Keral.

 

[Keral_Patel]

====================================

And the final one goes like this:

Hello Mr. John Sir,

I am really sorry for that last email. I think it was some kind of mix up by my new secretary over here.

Believe me this kind of mixup happens a lot when the recipient's names are same. Just last year alone the statistics shows that more then 97% of the emails never went to the person whom they were meant for.

I did got your last email and here are the extra details that you wanted about our company.

We realize how you are concerned about the quality of our product.

Let me ask you a simple question What is more important to you? Something to be back-end operated or to be out-of-the-box that is already inside another bigger box?

I know it sounds weird that something cannot come out of a box that already has another bigger box inside it. Because the bigger box would never fit in the box.

That is where we come in.

We just think Out-Of-The-BOX. So in our Case boxes aren't going to be a problem.

But yes as I mentioned we go Case by Case.

For example if you buy a Case of a wine then in a standard case of wine is you will get 12 bottles each of 75cl in their own boxes.

What we do here is that we just buy 12 cases of wine where each case has 12 bottles in it and then we put it all into a Box.

Now you might be wondering that what happens to that other box. But don't worry about it. We have already told you that we don't deal based on number of boxes. We just go case by case.

I am really keen on closing this deal and having other business opportunities from your side.

Thanking You,

Keral.

 

[Kate]

Oh my god...

 

[buyselldoms]

Oh my god...

+1

my thoughts exactly!

 

[Kenny]

Bro, you apparently have wayyyyyyyy too much time on your hands =))

Peace,
Cy

 

[Keral_Patel]

Bro, you apparently have wayyyyyyyy too much time on your hands =))

Peace,
Cy

LOL :D True

But this time it is not being wasted on answering his foolish/fake inquiries.