Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

[dgridley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[andr69]

lol !! how cruel of him!!

 

[DavidH]

Observation skills

Three blondes wanted to become detectives, so they went to the police station to see what they needed to do to apply.

The chief told them that he needed to test them first before considering them. He said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description.

After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. "Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!"

He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear," was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the
procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts
or not, so he went into the database and looked at the particulars of him. Sure enough, when the mug shot was
taken, he was wearing contact lenses!

He went back to her and asked, "how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

 

[DavidH]

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a

three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie

section, the little girl asked for cookies, and her mother

told her no.



The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the

mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the

aisles to go through -- don't be upset. It won't be long."



Soon, they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl

began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any,

she began to cry.



The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only

two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."



When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl

immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a

terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum

purchased.



The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this

checkout stand in 5 minutes, and then you can go home and

have a nice nap."



The bagger followed them out to the parking lot and

stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help

noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he

began.



The mother replied, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name

is Tammy."



---------



While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant

for lunch.



The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but

didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.



By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could

find a place to turn around.



The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.



When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to

retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there,

you might as well get my hat, too."

 

[DavidH]

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued, and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

[gchick]

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued, and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

wow this is crazy! :imho: smart move on the insurance hehe

 

[MrSammillington]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
I like all top jokes, actually I was looking for funny stories anyways thanks for sharing.

 

[Digital_shubhi]

Well, some of the jokes are really very funny. :D
I can't stop myself from laughing.


- Digital -

 

[DavidH]

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a

three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie

section, the little girl asked for cookies, and her mother

told her no.



The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the

mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the

aisles to go through -- don't be upset. It won't be long."



Soon, they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl

began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any,

she began to cry.



The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only

two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."



When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl

immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a

terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum

purchased.



The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this

checkout stand in 5 minutes, and then you can go home and

have a nice nap."



The bagger followed them out to the parking lot and

stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help

noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he

began.



The mother replied, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name

is Tammy."

 

[pathaan]

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

 

[DavidH]

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant

for lunch.



The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but

didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.



By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could

find a place to turn around.



The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.



When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to

retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there,

you might as well get my hat, too."

 

[DavidH]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think 5,000 Euros is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[DavidH]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

 

[CrackFeed.Com]

Never leave the cornstarch in a 3 year old's reach....he might just give it to the wrong person.:notme:

 

[DavidH]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little b*****d

 

[blackjack09]

What is it when a guy talks nasty to a girl?

Sexual harassment.

Loved this one here !! HAHA

 

[hearussell2]

haha that's real funny.so are you really.....

---------- Post added at 10:12 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 AM ----------

The teacher says to little Tommy one day " if there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them with a bee-bee gun, how many will you have left?"

Tommy says," well, you won't have any because the other two will fly away."

"Well", says the teacher, "the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think, Tommy".

So Tommy says, "ok, now I have a question for you, then....There are three women, and they all have an ice cream cone. one of them likes to lick the ice cream, one of them likes to bite the ice cream and the other likes to suck the ice cream. Now, you tell me teacher, which one of them is married."

The teacher looking embarrassed and perplexed finally says in a faint voice "well, I guess the one who sucks."

So Tommy says, "well, the answer is the woman with the ring on is married, but I like the way you think too, teacher.

now,this one is too cool.I love it.:hehe::bingo:

 

[rjurgen3335]

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

this is really funny.:hehe:

 

[Bestone1]

All the jokes are really cool ,i have enjoy alot on this thread.

 

[DavidH]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."


Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[DavidH]

Some of this is nearly English:

Sentences in letters written to councils in the UK

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has Backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..
4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away From the wall.
8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.
11..I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12..The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much For me.
16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is Unsightly and dangerous.
17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it.
18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20..I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21..This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

[mwzd]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[DavidH]

To celebrate getting my sixth star:


LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Sheffield couple decided to go to Majorca to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.

So, the husband left Sheffield and flew to Majorca on Friday, and his wife
was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.


Meanwhile...somewhere in Barnsley... a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral.

He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart
attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, August 13, 2009
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you
then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS...... Sure is hot here

 

[brascothom]

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says ,Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well. The man's dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 35 times.

 

[kgdhin]

Thanks a lot buddy ,you made me really laugh....keep posting more.

 

[DavidH]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'