Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

[dgridley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[DavidH]

Leading lines inevitably dashed

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

_____________________________________________________

Jokes-Bad Taste Advisory

Q: What does an atheist shout when she's having an orgasm?
A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
---------------------
Q: What did one chromosome say to the other chromosome?
A: I'd like to get in YOUR genes.
---------------------
Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.
---------------------
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.
---------------------
Q: What's charred and black and smells really bad?
A: A cat chewing on an extension cord.

 

[DavidH]

Observation skills

Three blondes wanted to become detectives, so they went to the police station to see what they needed to do to apply.

The chief told them that he needed to test them first before considering them. He said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description.

After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. "Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!"

He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear," was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the
procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts
or not, so he went into the database and looked at the particulars of him. Sure enough, when the mug shot was
taken, he was wearing contact lenses!

He went back to her and asked, "how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

 

[mis_chiff]

More blondes and cops

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant
for something cold to drink.

'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? asks a Policeman

The blonde said it was hers.

Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, "No way. she's cool 'cause she's
tied up under that shade tree".

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread.
She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand.
Your dog wants to Have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead.
I always wanted a Police dog.

 

[mwzd]

Lmao mis_chiff, you made more than one person to lose their coffee.

 

[James]

Lmao mis_chiff, you made more than one person to lose their coffee.

You've inspired me to go make a coffee to spit it out at this joke.

LMAO I love this thread.

 

[DavidH]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: ' Don 't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The

salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage,

was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an

old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out

a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty

swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.



Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and

saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign ' Don 't

Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was

still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.



This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were

placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then

suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three

swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after

the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to

coconuts?



''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit

they used tae be.'

 

[mis_chiff]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."



"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

 

[vincenzo]

Advances in medicine

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

- Vince

 

[kev]

What do you call bees that produce milk?


Boobees!


:tu:

 

[bbrez1]

What do you call bees that produce milk?


Boobees!


:tu:

Nice one :tu:

 

[DavidH]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' but refuse to grow up, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. If all is not lost, where is it?

6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He'd have put them on my knees.

9. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

10 These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then...wonder what I'm hereafter

 

[DavidH]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed

him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.



When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for

custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he

was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old

daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....

they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."

"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix

out!"



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding

behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh1t."



Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around

in.



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick

pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

[FathomJH]

A guy was driving down the street and hit something. After pulling over to investigate, he discovered he ran over and killed the Easter bunny. Not knowing what to do, the man began to panic. Soon after, a mysterious, blonde woman pulled up in her vehicle.

Blonde: "What's wrong?"
Man: "I just killed the Easter bunny!"
Blonde: "Don't worry, I think I can help."

The blonde went to her vehicle and pulled something out. She went over to where the Easter bunny was lying and began spraying something over its body.

All of a sudden the Easter bunny "popped" up and began jumping down the street. Every few steps it would spin around and wave to the man and the blonde woman. Then it would turn back around and start jumping down the street again. It continued to do this until it was out of sight.

Man: "What did you spray the Easter bunny with?"
Blonde: "Nothing much. It is just some hare spray I had in my car."

A closer look at the bottle revealed what it does:

"Brings hare back to life and adds permanent wave."

:wave:

 

[DavidH]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t.

***



A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "" thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied :"'I am so sorry, I didn't recognize you."

 

[mis_chiff]

Ahh, to be a CANADIAN....

So, What Do We Have To Be Proud Of ?

not in any particular order eh....

Smarties (the red ones are always missing)

Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls

Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

Lacrosse is Canadian

Hockey is Canadian

Basketball is Canadian

Apple pie is Canadian

Mr. Dress-up totally beats Mr. Rogers

Tim Hortons (coffee and doughnuts) beats Dunkin' Donuts (and Krispy Kreme gave up)

Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany .

We have the largest English population that never ever
surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER.

Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...
but showed up just in time to get caught.

A Canadian invented Standard Time.

The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's
surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

The average husky dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown

Human in under 3 minutes.

............... I'm not sure I needed to know that!

We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

We don't marry our kin-folk.

We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis,
the telephone.

Short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

A Canadian invented Superman.

We have coloured money.

We have looney and tooney coins.

We don't have dollar bills.

We know how to spell colour, licence, honour, cheque.

We know how to pronounce Iraq and Iran.


Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidentally...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

OOOoohhhhh.... Canada !!

.................. Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day. :p

 

[DavidH]

Hi Miss chiff,

"The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's
surface and is still around as the world's oldest company."

With all due respect I am not sure that this is completely correct.

The following link may be of interest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_oldest_companies

I am also a shareholder in the Faversham Oyster Fishery Company, based in Kent, UK which is listed in the Guiness Book of Records as the oldest company in the world - it was founded in 1190 !!!

Obviously some room to question which company qualifies given all of the above!

 

[mis_chiff]

Hi Miss chiff,

"The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's
surface and is still around as the world's oldest company."

With all due respect I am not sure that this is completely correct.

The following link may be of interest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_oldest_companies

I am also a shareholder in the Faversham Oyster Fishery Company, based in Kent, UK which is listed in the Guiness Book of Records as the oldest company in the world - it was founded in 1190 !!!

Obviously some room to question which company qualifies given all of the above!

I agree, there is room for question...
I just got it sent in an email, and I've always believed it to be
the true so didn't even think to check it
From a Feb 8th news report.

Hudson's Bay Company, which is probably the world's oldest corporation, on Wednesday, announced it was cutting 1,000 jobs in Canada as part of its plans to streamline business in tough economic times

So they do boast as being the oldest corporation. (Canadians eh?) :lol:

 

[johname]

Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[mis_chiff]

Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Ahh, the irony - sad but true :lol:
thanks for the giggle :tu:

 

[adaliabarclay]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t.

***

lol, This is so true , well basically its not a joke its a truth

 

[mwzd]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

*

*

*

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[forever!]

Oh, what a really funny thread... While I was looking through it, I was ROFLing!))

 

[MH-Andy]

We won the war because scissors beat paper.

 

[co2]

I called the swine flu hot line, but all I got was crackling.


ethical,stocks,shares,trading, :

 

[DavidH]

A 65 year old suave man, healthy looks, well dressed has mid 20's

beautiful blonde draped on arm.



Walking along the street they pass a jewellery store and the man says,

"I would like to buy you a present, what would you like"?



The blonde says, "a ring would be nice".



He asks the jeweller to pull out a tray of rings. The blonde

tries them on and admires them.



The man says "how much are these rings"?



The jeweller says "between $2,500 and $4,000 each".



The suave man then says "no, we want some really good rings, please

bring out the really good rings".



The jeweller puts away the tray and brings out the really good rings.



The young lady tries them on and really likes them.



The man asks the price of the various rings.



The jeweller says "this one $38,000, this one $42,000, this one $45,000".



The man responds "no, we want to have your best rings available please".



The jeweller goes to his safe and brings out the best rings he has

available.



The mid 20's blonde takes an immediate like to one particular ring.



The man asks "how much is that"?



The jeweller responds "$85,000".



The man says "Right, we will have that ring".



The man then explains that his wallet was stolen with his credit cards

in it but he does have his cheque book. He asks the jeweller "do you

accept cheques"?



The jeweller explains it is after hours and he could not clear it until

Monday morning.



The man says "not to worry I will leave the cheque with you over the

weekend together with the ring and I will come Monday morning to

collect the ring".



The man returns on Monday morning to be told by the jeweller "you know,

there is nothing in your bank account".



To which the man replies "yes, I know that; but I had a lovely weekend".