These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci seats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he;s twenty-one.
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
___________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: Duh..............
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: How many were girls?
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS; He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: NO.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci seats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he;s twenty-one.
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
___________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: Duh..............
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: How many were girls?
________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS; He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: NO.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Thanks for the laugh. The autopsy one was classic.
