Jokes

[unknownz]

Hi
every one can post their funnies over here! :wave:

Blonde in Pain
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A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."

 

[TWM]

GAY JOKE, DONT READ IF YOUR EASILY OFFENDED


Its been said that people who are gay is just Gods way of making sure the "special" ones dont have children.

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If being gay is a disease, then you could call in queer to work.
"Sorry boss, cant work today... still queer."

 

[unknownz]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[vip-ip]

A JOKE ABOUT -RJ- -- DONT READ IT!!!

I knew you were gonna read it ))

On another bike ride, George W Bush falls once again. He tips over a brige and belly-flops into the water. 3 neigborhood kids help him out. As Bush gets his counciousness back, he asks what the kids wish for, and Bush will buy it for them.

First kid: "I want a brand new RC airplane that Lockhed Martin developed"
Bush: OK, I'll have it sent to you with rush-delivery tonigh, you'll have it by tomorrow morning.
Second kid: "I want a tour to Disney Land!"
Bush: sure thing, I'll fly you there on my personal jet helicopter, we'll be there in no time.
Third kid: "I want a wheel chair with built-in TV, high-speed internet, and an ajustable seat heigt!"
Bush: but you have no disablities... why would you want one?
Third kid: Trust me, I surely WILL have disabilities whenmy dad finds out I saved your ass today.

 

[zaros64]

Third kid: Trust me, I surely WILL have disabilities whenmy dad finds out I saved your ass today.

lmao.. I don't know much...

Why do monkeys paint there balls red? to hide in cherry trees
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
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Giraffes eating cherries

 

[vip-ip]

lmao.. I don't know much...

Why do monkeys paint there balls red? to hide in cherry trees
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
-
-
-
Giraffes eating cherries

OOOOOH thats just LMFAO :lol:

http://www.fullfile.com/115584269300n00b.gif

 

[zaros64]

lmao.. I don't know much...

Why do monkeys paint there balls red? to hide in cherry trees
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
-
-
-
Giraffes eating cherries

OOOOOH thats just LMFAO :lol:

http://www.fullfile.com/115584269300n00b.gif

lol.. lmao

 

[HHDomains]

While out walking one day, a young boy met a redneck riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.

"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" asked the boy.

"Stupid kid," said the redneck. "Dogs don’t talk."

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the dog anyway. "Hey dog, how’s it going?"

"Doin’ all right," replied the dog to the redneck’s amazement.

"Is this guy your owner?" asked the boy.

"Yep," replied the dog.

"How does he treat you?" asked the boy.

"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

With that, the boy asked if he could talk to the redneck’s horse.

"Stupid kid, horses don’t talk," replied the redneck.

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the horse, anyway. "Hey horse, how’s it going?"

"Cool," replied the horse.

"Is this your owner?" asked the boy pointing to the redneck.

"Yep."

"How’s he treat you?" asked the boy.

"Pretty good, thanks for asking," replied the horse. "He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The redneck was totally amazed at his talking horse.

"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" asked the boy.

"The sheep’s a liar," answered the redneck.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “Pig! ”

The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, “Bitch!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

 

[Rudy]

There was once a marine biologist whose favorite animals were dolphins. Because of this passion, the biologist worked for years to try and find a potion that would make dolphins live forever without aging, or pain, etc... Finally, after many years, he completed the successful potion, to his delight.

However, unfortunatley, 1 of the important ingredients was found only in a rare bird which lives in South America. After thinking about it, the biologist decided to steal one of these birds at the zoo, instead of spending years in South America to catch these birds. So off to the zoo he went.

Unbeknownst to him, when he got to the zoo, a lion had escaped from it's cage. Due to this reason, all of the zoo keepers were busy searching the zoo and the surrounding areas looking for the lion. So the biologist got right in, and was able to steal the bird quickly.

Of course, he was estatic with joy. Running down the side walk and jumping up and down, he was so excited that he did not realize he ran over the lion which had escaped and fallen asleep on the sidewalk.

Immediatley, 500 police swarmed in, and arrested the biologist for carrying a myna bird over a staid lion for immortal Porpoises.

 

[HHDomains]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

 

[sufi]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

 

[HHDomains]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly.”
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey, lady!”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

 

[unknownz]

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"


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A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

 

[AsclepiusZ]

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So, one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do; I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?

She answered: "N"

 

[sunken]

A lady is walking through the fairgrounds carrying a duck. A drunk guy calls over to her, "Hey lady, where are you going with that pig." The lady indignantly replied, "I'll have you know that this is a duck." The guy grinned. "I know, I was talking to the duck..."

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Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Pepsi? His urine tested positive for Coke...

 

[axilant]

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A golden retriever

 

[Fkrule]

a man walks into a bar
ouch!

 

[ammo]

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A golden retriever

:lol: i love it

 

[Fkrule]

a mouse walks in to the bar and says can i have some cheese.
the barmen goes we do not sell cheese the mose leaves
the next the mouse goes back to the bar and goes can i have some cheese
the barmen goes i told you yesterday we do not sell cheese get out.
the next day the mouse goes to the bar and goes can i have some cheese
the barmen really angry goes get lost i told you we do not sell cheese if you come here and ask for cheese i will stick a nail in your head the mouse leaves
the next day and goes to the barmen do you have any nails
the barmen goes no
the mouse goes how about some cheese than

 

[sunken]

On that same note, 99 cameras walk into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve cameras here. The leader of the cameras says, "That's okay, we just came to see what develops..."

Ducking tomatos...