- Impact
- 16,251
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national
anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on
the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Got to love that british sense of humor,
talking to us like that when we bailed you
out more times than we saved the french.
And we'd tell you the whole JFK thing, but
of course then we'd have to.... well you get
the picture. You cant handle the truth.
You boys want something we got, just come
on over here and get you some, we got plenty.
~kid5150 walks away laughing, and whistling
"The Battle of New Orleans" ...down the mississippi
to the gulf of mexico...lol
jk, Ian
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national
anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on
the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Got to love that british sense of humor,
talking to us like that when we bailed you
out more times than we saved the french.
And we'd tell you the whole JFK thing, but
of course then we'd have to.... well you get
the picture. You cant handle the truth.
You boys want something we got, just come
on over here and get you some, we got plenty.
~kid5150 walks away laughing, and whistling
"The Battle of New Orleans" ...down the mississippi
to the gulf of mexico...lol
jk, Ian
