Dan.com
NameSilo

Aspiring Billionaire

Established Member
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I'll start off with this one ...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience of seniors about nutrition and aging. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous food of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly asked, "Wedding Cake?".


Now share yours :xf.smile:.
 
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briguy

Guru In Remission!Top Contributor
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IMG_20170529_115916.jpg
 

briguy

Guru In Remission!Top Contributor
Impact
60,857

MapleDots

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13,123
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad, there is something that my new boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is SOooo in to his cars and said "that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.

Seems like the proper mechanical solution!
 

deez007

The More I Learn The Less I "Know"Top Contributor
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An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Here you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Here you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
 

MapleDots

Account Closed (Requested)
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Reminds me of the old saying.....

I'm Dirty and my wife is dirty too
(I'm thirty and my wife is thirty two)

Just insert your nationality.... whoever cannot say the "TH"
 
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I saw a donkey on the way to work, he stopped and looked both ways before crossing the street
That's one "Smart Ass"
 

Aspiring Billionaire

Established Member
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There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to a baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting the right amount, which he wasn’t. Angry about this, he took the farmer to court.

The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure to weight the butter. The farmer replied, “Honor, I am primitive. I don’t have a proper measure, but I do have a scale.”The judge asked, “Then how do you weigh the butter?”

The farmer replied; “YOUR HONOR, LONG BEFORE THE BAKER STARTED BUYING BUTTER FROM ME, I HAVE BEEN BUYING A POUND LOAF OF BREAD FROM HIM. EVERY DAY WHEN THE BAKER BRINGS THE BREAD, I PUT IT ON THE SCALE AND GIVE HIM THE SAME WEIGHT IN BUTTER. IF ANYONE IS TO BE BLAMED, IT IS THE BAKER.”

Moral: Always be good and do good, you get what you give.

Source: Quora - "You Get what you Give"http://rupakshah.com/2016/06/28/get-give-story-no-9101/
 

briguy

Guru In Remission!Top Contributor
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Since I am getting into "cannabis" related niche..
really enjoyed this one
" Did you hear about the pothead that studied for five days.. for a urine test!"
I originally shared on Reditt
https://redd.it/7k4hvm
 
Impact
85,442
Not one of you better quit your job to go on the comic circuit.
 

briguy

Guru In Remission!Top Contributor
Impact
60,857
Not one of you better quit your job to go on the comic circuit.
I resemble that remark, Best honest advice I heard in awhile!
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