Labeled as humor in The Break Room, started by Aspiring Billionaire, May 28, 2017
I'll start off with this one ...
Now share yours .
Reminds me of..
Not meaning to brag but I am wearing the same size of socks that I wore in high school..
When you're tight on time, and things just aint workin the way they should ...
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad, there is something that my new boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is SOooo in to his cars and said "that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.
Seems like the proper mechanical solution!
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Here you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Here you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
Reminds me of the old saying.....
I'm Dirty and my wife is dirty too
(I'm thirty and my wife is thirty two)
Just insert your nationality.... whoever cannot say the "TH"
I saw a donkey on the way to work, he stopped and looked both ways before crossing the street
That's one "Smart Ass"
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to a baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting the right amount, which he wasn’t. Angry about this, he took the farmer to court.
The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure to weight the butter. The farmer replied, “Honor, I am primitive. I don’t have a proper measure, but I do have a scale.”The judge asked, “Then how do you weigh the butter?”
The farmer replied; “YOUR HONOR, LONG BEFORE THE BAKER STARTED BUYING BUTTER FROM ME, I HAVE BEEN BUYING A POUND LOAF OF BREAD FROM HIM. EVERY DAY WHEN THE BAKER BRINGS THE BREAD, I PUT IT ON THE SCALE AND GIVE HIM THE SAME WEIGHT IN BUTTER. IF ANYONE IS TO BE BLAMED, IT IS THE BAKER.”
Moral: Always be good and do good, you get what you give.
Source: Quora - "You Get what you Give"
Since I am getting into "cannabis" related niche..
really enjoyed this one
" Did you hear about the pothead that studied for five days.. for a urine test!"
I originally shared on Reditt
Not one of you better quit your job to go on the comic circuit.
I resemble that remark, Best honest advice I heard in awhile!
Separate names with a comma.