Computer Terminology-Hope these help
ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
BACKUP: Opposite of go forward
BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
BIT: 12-1/2 cents
BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)
BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature. 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends
when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
CODING: An addictive drug
COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer
CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words
DUMP: A system programmer's work area
FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative
HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages
LOOP: See loop
MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any machine
MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
ONLINE: The idea that a human should always be accessible
PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. State - of - the - art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.
If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So
your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Redneck Computer Lingo
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
The latest PC lingo
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Shovelware
A Web document that was shoveled from paper onto the Web, help system, or whatever without much effort to adapt it to the new medium. Betrayed by, among other things, papercentric phrases like "See page so-and-so," "later in this booklet," and so forth.
