Virus Alert Update
Beware of the following viruses:
The U.N. virus is annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.
The Hans Blix virus is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus.
The George Bush virus tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.
The Saddam Hussein virus spawned other viruses and was believed to create PMDs. Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.
The Uday (aka Odai) and Qusay (aka Qusai) viruses were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George Bush virus.
The Baghdad Bob virus was a Microsoft Word virus derived from the Saddam Hussein virus and is now no longer in existence. It was widely ridiculed by some, and it was never considered to be a threat, but it was hilarious in an annoying way. Whenever you opened a Word document, the Baghdad Bob virus would display a message saying, "This document does not exist." If the document had embedded graphics, the virus would display a message saying, "The embedded graphics do not exist." Then it would display a message saying, "All your documents are being destroyed," even though that was not true. Like the Saddam Hussein virus and its mutations, the Baghdad Bob virus disappeared soon after the George Bush virus appeared.
The Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George Bush virus.
The Russian virus displays a message saying it's going to work with you to improve your computer's performance, but then it doesn't. Instead, it scans your computer for the French virus.
The German virus displays messages calling you names. Then, like the Russian virus, it scans your computer for the French virus.
The French virus garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George Bush virus, slowing it down.
The Hollywood virus scans your computer for the George Bush virus, and if it finds it, it broadcasts messages to mainstream media computers protesting the existence of the George Bush virus and vowing to eradicate it. This virus has many mutations and has corrupted many programs in numerous news media computers. The only exception seems to be the Fox News Channel's computers, although they have had problems because of an infection by the Heraldo virus and, more recently, by a mutation of the Lewinsky virus.
The Heraldo virus has been an annoyance for a long time. It is seen most often in TV media computers. This virus displays long-winded messages purporting to give you momentous information about your computer that it and it alone can tell you, but the information it provides usually turns out to be rather ordinary or even common knowledge. One of the most annoying things about this virus is that every time you think it's been eradicated, it pops up again.
The Lewinsky virus brings your computer to its knees by sucking up all the free RAM. The Fox television network reported that its computers were infected by a mutation of this virus known as the Lewinsky Host virus, which appears to be one of many mutations of the class of viruses known as Reality viruses. Now, however, the Lewinsky virus is rarely seen.
Reality viruses are known by many names and have been increasing in number. They are relatively harmless and seem to infect only TV media computers, causing them to display a variety of messages that vary widely in character. The messages range from disgusting to cloying. Most are inane, but they can be entertaining to some people.
The Al Gore virus causes your computer to go into an endless loop searching for hidden files and counting and recounting the number of bytes in every file it can find, hidden or not.
The Bill Clinton virus automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.
The Hillary Clinton virus sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.
The Bob Dole (AKA Viagra) virus tells you your computer's old floppy drive has been temporarily turned into a hard drive and that it's wonderful.
The Ronald Reagan virus sends an e-mail to Microsoft ordering them to tear down all disk partitions.
The Gray Davis virus caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger virus terminates some programs, then leaves, but will be back. It is now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.
The Jesse Jackson virus warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.
The Tom Daschle virus blocks your computer from doing anything right.
The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy virus leaves nothing left on your computer.
The Mike Tyson virus quits after erasing two bytes.
The Jack Kevorkian virus deletes all old files.
The Prozac virus totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco virus only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt virus reformats your hard drive into a 3 1/2" floppy, then discards it through the Windows Recycle Bin.
Beware of the following viruses:
The U.N. virus is annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.
The Hans Blix virus is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus.
The George Bush virus tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.
The Saddam Hussein virus spawned other viruses and was believed to create PMDs. Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.
The Uday (aka Odai) and Qusay (aka Qusai) viruses were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George Bush virus.
The Baghdad Bob virus was a Microsoft Word virus derived from the Saddam Hussein virus and is now no longer in existence. It was widely ridiculed by some, and it was never considered to be a threat, but it was hilarious in an annoying way. Whenever you opened a Word document, the Baghdad Bob virus would display a message saying, "This document does not exist." If the document had embedded graphics, the virus would display a message saying, "The embedded graphics do not exist." Then it would display a message saying, "All your documents are being destroyed," even though that was not true. Like the Saddam Hussein virus and its mutations, the Baghdad Bob virus disappeared soon after the George Bush virus appeared.
The Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George Bush virus.
The Russian virus displays a message saying it's going to work with you to improve your computer's performance, but then it doesn't. Instead, it scans your computer for the French virus.
The German virus displays messages calling you names. Then, like the Russian virus, it scans your computer for the French virus.
The French virus garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George Bush virus, slowing it down.
The Hollywood virus scans your computer for the George Bush virus, and if it finds it, it broadcasts messages to mainstream media computers protesting the existence of the George Bush virus and vowing to eradicate it. This virus has many mutations and has corrupted many programs in numerous news media computers. The only exception seems to be the Fox News Channel's computers, although they have had problems because of an infection by the Heraldo virus and, more recently, by a mutation of the Lewinsky virus.
The Heraldo virus has been an annoyance for a long time. It is seen most often in TV media computers. This virus displays long-winded messages purporting to give you momentous information about your computer that it and it alone can tell you, but the information it provides usually turns out to be rather ordinary or even common knowledge. One of the most annoying things about this virus is that every time you think it's been eradicated, it pops up again.
The Lewinsky virus brings your computer to its knees by sucking up all the free RAM. The Fox television network reported that its computers were infected by a mutation of this virus known as the Lewinsky Host virus, which appears to be one of many mutations of the class of viruses known as Reality viruses. Now, however, the Lewinsky virus is rarely seen.
Reality viruses are known by many names and have been increasing in number. They are relatively harmless and seem to infect only TV media computers, causing them to display a variety of messages that vary widely in character. The messages range from disgusting to cloying. Most are inane, but they can be entertaining to some people.
The Al Gore virus causes your computer to go into an endless loop searching for hidden files and counting and recounting the number of bytes in every file it can find, hidden or not.
The Bill Clinton virus automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.
The Hillary Clinton virus sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.
The Bob Dole (AKA Viagra) virus tells you your computer's old floppy drive has been temporarily turned into a hard drive and that it's wonderful.
The Ronald Reagan virus sends an e-mail to Microsoft ordering them to tear down all disk partitions.
The Gray Davis virus caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger virus terminates some programs, then leaves, but will be back. It is now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.
The Jesse Jackson virus warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.
The Tom Daschle virus blocks your computer from doing anything right.
The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy virus leaves nothing left on your computer.
The Mike Tyson virus quits after erasing two bytes.
The Jack Kevorkian virus deletes all old files.
The Prozac virus totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco virus only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt virus reformats your hard drive into a 3 1/2" floppy, then discards it through the Windows Recycle Bin.
