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A Doctor was being interviewed
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn.. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak
is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit
so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out
of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q:
What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's
the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn.. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak
is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit
so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out
of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q:
What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's
the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
