Joke Thread: This Will Make You Laugh

Found this on NewJoke(dot)com..(a joke of the day site)

If the Beatles were Computer Geeks

Sing along...

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
My database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Click to expand...

[ame]http://youtu.be/XNnaxGFO18o[/ame]

How to Achieve True Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A doctor on TV said, to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start & we will all have more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Jin, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boks a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!

Time to recycle a joke(s)

1) Blonde was talking to her redhead girlfriend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
Redhead.. "Have you tried Head and Shoulders?:
Blonde.. "How do you give shoulders?"

2) "Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.
He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some ice-cream."
Source:jokes.com via domainventure

recycled from https://www.namepros.com/showthread.php?p=4572181#post4572181

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

Source:Jokes.com

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

Source:MW2F.blogspot.com


Another one (found on Facebook) no offense to any nature lovers or Canadians.
.
A baby seal walks into a bar..
Bartender says what can I get you?
Baby seal says, anything but a Canadian Club (AKA whiskey)
Source:Facebook.com

Bravo!!!!!!!

Love these types of jokes.. you can change the state/province to where ever you live and just had to share it!

"Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?'
The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'You're in a basket you dumb sh*t!' "

Courtesy of iowadawg
https://www.namepros.com/761952-du-johname-and-friends-shoot-sh-349.html#post4582699

Great work! I liked the Father-Man joke!