Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

dpk87 · 07-05-2004, 12:47 AM

Here I have collected several of my favorite
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. If you get a good laugh outta them, please feel free to donate a few NP

. Thanks

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
????: NamePros.com http://www.namepros.com/the-break-room/37334-deep-thoughts-by-jack-handy.html

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

painperdu · 07-05-2004, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dpk87
????: NamePros.com http://www.namepros.com/showthread.php?t=37334
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

That is from Mark Twain's "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court".

iDeviseFlash · 07-05-2004, 08:37 AM

I LOVE THESE!! they are so funny, lol here are some
If you build a time machine, you probably shouldnt stick your arm out the window, it might turn into a fossil.
Welll, just one, but they are the BEST!

Darren · 07-05-2004, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dpk87
I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Lord · 07-05-2004, 10:14 AM

lol, who wouldn't? (Rich > Stupid)

iDeviseFlash · 07-05-2004, 11:00 AM

haha. thats why its funny, its so retarded, yet funny, lol.

lotsofissues · 07-05-2004, 02:16 PM

I can't quite pinpoint the method of operation - you know the common pattern of these jokes.

Retarded irony?

jroy · 07-05-2004, 02:50 PM

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

lol

07-05-2004, 12:47 AM	THREAD STARTER #1 (permalink)
dpk87 NamePros Regular Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 792	Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Here I have collected several of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. If you get a good laugh outta them, please feel free to donate a few NP . Thanks It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. ????: NamePros.com http://www.namepros.com/the-break-room/37334-deep-thoughts-by-jack-handy.html I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

07-05-2004, 08:37 AM	#3 (permalink)
iDeviseFlash Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,030	I LOVE THESE!! they are so funny, lol here are some If you build a time machine, you probably shouldnt stick your arm out the window, it might turn into a fossil. Welll, just one, but they are the BEST! __________________ ~~ SIG FOR SALE ~~ Click here...

07-05-2004, 11:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
iDeviseFlash Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,030	haha. thats why its funny, its so retarded, yet funny, lol. __________________ ~~ SIG FOR SALE ~~ Click here...

07-05-2004, 02:50 PM	#8 (permalink)
jroy Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Connecticut Posts: 2,804	Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. lol __________________ Free Arcade Games

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

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07-05-2004, 10:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
Lord Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 1,358	lol, who wouldn't? (Rich > Stupid)

07-05-2004, 02:16 PM	#7 (permalink)
lotsofissues Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 1,209	I can't quite pinpoint the method of operation - you know the common pattern of these jokes. Retarded irony?

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